T H E E N D C O M M U N E

after a very sad conversation with a beautiful, beautiful friend of mine, i tried to go directly to sleep. it was a relatively busy day, physically and psychologically, and i hoped for the best. it must have been around 00:30 or so. maybe around 01:00. now i am here for the hundredth time, 05:00. i can not seem to conjure from within any means of tranquility. for that enterprise, i need drugs. it seems more and more, as the days of this year pass by, i struggle with sleep and with rest. i often find myself in a situation where i am  physically and also mentally tired to the point of  my head starting to almost hurt and sore from bluntness and my eyes tear wet from simply having rejected the idea of trying to sleep in order to escape the inconvenience of just lying there angrily for a hundredth time. but moments after i put my body to that matress and i try to start to relax, to fall asleep, to meditate or focus on something otherwordly,  i feel an almost automatic need to move myself; to twist and turn my body. a spontaneous and reflexive psycho-somatic twitch, and it doesnt matter how empty i thought my head was; how ready i figured i was for bed - my brain will without pardon throw me into a seemingly neverending loop and vortex of problematic thoughts, nostalgia, self-critique, anxiety, melancholy, guilt and all the rest of it. interwoven with this cavalcade of tedious thought intrusion are bits, here and there, of romanticism and otherwise what i would deem positive things and feelings. but at the moment there are no such positive inclinations in me, there is no peace here. i am calm, but not serene. or rather, there is a peculiar kind of peace but it is a Versailles type peace. only one side, only one part is happy with it. and that part is surely not me. the part that is happy about this peace is the other presence occupying my small 25 square meter apartment. and i want it out. i do not feel sorry for myself though; i do not complain. i merely tell, observe, write. i am in no position to complain. God knows that, and i know it too, very well.