Flashback to circa 2017

I am the Aghori of the funeral pyre of modernity, for I smear
the ashes of contemporary degeneracy on my pale body under
each and every moon, that yellow eye of the sky-wolf... and
with each and every dawn that follows in the shadow of its
grey-haired, Behemothic astral flesh, I put another blade to my
body... for I am the philosopher of the dagger, and I both hurt
myself and hurt others with it: the ghost of atheism haunts
my room, it is no longer present in any actual sense because I
murdered it violently. Instead now the mystery of religion
swells therein, and I welcome this ephemeral presence – but I
choose not to tamper with the energies which whirl in its wake,
breathing all around me now as if a cloud of a gas of guidance,
because I know that man so does at his peril: the fire-flies of
possibility have begun to flutter and buzz all around me, and I
sense a whiff of victory; I have beheaded the atheism Medusa,
and from doing that, truth now imbues me as Jibril imbued
Mohammad, with visions and with revelations; with
trepidations and with awesome seizures...

 

after a very sad conversation with a beautiful, beautiful friend of mine, i tried to go directly to sleep. it was a relatively busy day, physically and psychologically, and i hoped for the best. it must have been around 00:30 or so. maybe around 01:00. now i am here for the hundredth time, 05:00. i can not seem to conjure from within any means of tranquility. for that enterprise, i need drugs. it seems more and more, as the days of this year pass by, i struggle with sleep and with rest. i often find myself in a situation where i am  physically and also mentally tired to the point of  my head starting to almost hurt and sore from bluntness and my eyes tear wet from simply having rejected the idea of trying to sleep in order to escape the inconvenience of just lying there angrily for a hundredth time. but moments after i put my body to that matress and i try to start to relax, to fall asleep, to meditate or focus on something otherwordly,  i feel an almost automatic need to move myself; to twist and turn my body. a spontaneous and reflexive psycho-somatic twitch, and it doesnt matter how empty i thought my head was; how ready i figured i was for bed - my brain will without pardon throw me into a seemingly neverending loop and vortex of problematic thoughts, nostalgia, self-critique, anxiety, melancholy, guilt and all the rest of it. interwoven with this cavalcade of tedious thought intrusion are bits, here and there, of romanticism and otherwise what i would deem positive things and feelings. but at the moment there are no such positive inclinations in me, there is no peace here. i am calm, but not serene. or rather, there is a peculiar kind of peace but it is a Versailles type peace. only one side, only one part is happy with it. and that part is surely not me. the part that is happy about this peace is the other presence occupying my small 25 square meter apartment. and i want it out. i do not feel sorry for myself though; i do not complain. i merely tell, observe, write. i am in no position to complain. God knows that, and i know it too, very well.

The only thing separating nowhere from now here is a blank space, a void. 

Things can be here in one moment only to be gone in the next.

 i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.  i want to sacrifice myself for something greater.

don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.  don't evict me. walk with me. i don't know exactly how; just do it.

there is redemption in what i do. there must be. there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.there is redemption in what i do. there must be.

i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.  i love my friends to death.

 to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.  to care is to hurt.

shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.  shame and guilt is love.

unedited, rough material about what i consider true and false religion

In false religion, everything is about what God does, what God wants, what God thinks, what God condemns and what God commands. This is surely a lowly way of conceptualizing - and having faith in - the Divine. At the end of the day, false religion has not really so much to do about what man does, being merely the pawn of a mighty scheme. As long as you circumcise, follow some basic rituals, call yourself a good Muslim, a good Jew or Christian, bathe correctly, dress correctly and is cautious with certain foodstuffs, you should be "okay". This is culture - not religion. Surely it is religious culture, but it is not personal religion. It is not Religion. The way I see it, culture rests upon religion; not only as some cyst or some malign overgrowth, no, but rather as a moss of the ages sleeping on the bedrock beneath; a high and green grass coming out of it, or a meadow of both beautiful and ugly flowers sprawling from the soil primordial... often somewhat symbiotic this relationship has been, but far from always (especially Muslim societies as a general and some bygone eras of Christendom - as well as contemporary American perversions of Christianity - comes to thought). In direct words, God does not care about the details. As an example, it is feasible to say that the Books of Levicitus and [...] are penned by human hands. How, when and where you eat supper or go about your personal hygiene is not a concern from the perspective of Heaven - and this is my frank and well-grounded belief.

If I was friendly with you I would encourage you to seek for the God within. But I am not, so instead I scream: stop the petty bullshit! You are making politics and tribalism out of it... God never command these trivial and materialistic pursuits... - you do. Your family does. Your culture and your community does... and sometimes even the state will meddle with it (historically mostly, but it continues with ravenous persistence to this very day - especially, again, in Muslim societies).

Personally, I do not think God is a fan of circumcision and grossed out by menstruation. These are human cultural projections, completely irreligious in core and essence. God is not human and therefore not of human nature. Thus, any attempt or impulse of psychologizing God is truly a mistake and theologically it is an extremly costly one. This false religion is anthropo-psychologizing God; or, in any case, it attempts it. True religion however, in contrast, obscures God, mystifies Him, cloaks Him in metaphor, shrouds him in poem and art, weeps for his return in revelation.

God is there, absolutely He is, with His eye omnipresent, ever seeking, ever staring into, and through, the heart of man! And in there God sets up His court; our actions, our words, our strife and our character becoming subject of trial and Divine acumen. But understand that it happens not in some human way... for metaphor and poetry is the language of God on earth. God does not answer, and He is not to be directly spoken to. God has no personality, no self-awareness, no agency in the material world! Only we do. God is something else altogether. God is ever-quiet, merely being there. Silent, yes, but indeed there, and for the honest pilgrim of the soul to discover - to harness power from; to float into; to get possessed by and without rope nor torch fall into!

Yes! in false religion, everything is about what God does, what God wants, what God thinks, what God condemns and what God commands... but the true, personal religion is rather all about what you do. You can not be religious without going through yourself upward. The true religion benights the wisdoms it hold, because they are ever-benighted, not because of some conscious and confusing obscurantism but because we are simply not equipped to directly deal with it.

De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine! Faith must connect through our hearts, because that is our route, our portal, our passage and our gateway - our only one. The false ones try to persuade themselves that they carry out the Work of the Lord by merely showing up; by merely identifying; by merely dressing right, eating right, and by merely proclaiming her belonging - not for reasons of personal spirituality, of course, but for reasons of community and the perceived purpose it spawns - for what human being can honestly rise above the quicksand of being one... of the many? I do not exactly blame them, scathe them, cast spells of fire on them for it; I understand them. But I sincerely can not respect it. I am human myself, and God knows I am a weak and puny dog or a rat, but not even I have the audacity to call such behavior religion! For I consider it a mockery of whatever is Holy.

Yes. Rather, what is a concern is to which extent you war for Him, with Him, by Him. But remember: warring for Him is always warring for yourself. But this is not some egoist philosophy or some blasphemous mockery of the Glory of God, no. We are just not capable, I think, of worshipping God in any other way. But if you take battle for Him, honestly and with courageous, transcendental love, you become part of Him. For example, a prayer is never thought or uttered with the intent of making God, as some external being out there, happy; rather, it is thought or uttered with the aim of transforming whomever prays. That is the mysterious tribology between Man & God. He will live through you. Let the Spirit in and you dictate your future. You are not under Him then, but with Him. Do not surrender, do not capitulate, do not submit - but worship! Worship, adore, adulate, kiss the feet of His saints in reverence!  But don't neglect and get fervous with the boils of bravado! For the bow is yours, the arrow is yours, the hands are yours, that is true... but that momentary flash of the briefest second when the arrow hits and drills the flesh of its prey or enemy - then God is; not you.  

Who knows what God really is. But we can all, I think, agree that God does not possess a human psychology. But God may leave its wounds in the psychology of humans and affect it, claw at it, challenge it. Because God for the human, at least in great part, is the transcendental will and power with which we describe the most amazing feats of our fellow men and women; by which we are vulning our values to the great fire in the sky; to which we erect our temples and give our glory with love, zeal and art, and in the embrace of which we dare say: I believe in miracles! - for what is not a greater miracle than that of a human being writing life with blackest ink the poetics of love, God and conquest? 

And what is a greater virtue than living life with fortitude, righteousness and grace in the burning face of the mighty and terrible Accuser himself?

The Endcommunean Razor
Never attribute to individual moral prowess the behavior that
which may adequately be explained by the very slave morality
in which the individual is entrenched. We call this the
Endcommunean razor.

A Catholic virgin's nuptial innocence and all her spiritual
stupefactions were laid bare to nightly troops of stygian
vampires – but in shelter she was under Christ. And none could
touch her but the Christian one.

evil is elemental but it manages nevertheless
a reach into the most material of things;
and only by accepting the physical presence of this evil
can we come to accept it morally; as a moral reality.

evil is a weed in a garden of hibiscus,  a thick obnoxious root,
a fungus on something otherwise living;
nevertheless, it is as real as vine clinging
on the walls, ever too low, ever too brittle,
of our perceived moral structure and order. 

bloated troubadours dragged onto shore from the cliffy river current, their mouths shall never again sing another song - yet their strings still sound somehow!

 this is a glass house; keep your rocks in hand.

enchanted by werewolven spells under the gipseian moon

a pelagic beast does never differ
human flesh from seal!
what is, and what is not, a meal.

...and therein found a latibule!
a spider's nest, a dwelling hole,
some kind of holy, silent repose!

"Ego incarnatus est de Spiritu Sancto
ex Maria virgine et homo factus est,
et expecto venturi sæculi
et resurrectionem mortuorum;
ideo precor beátam Maríam semper vírginem,
omnes angelos et sanctos, et vos,
fratres et sororibus,
oráre pro me ad Dóminum Deum nostrum,
cuius regni non erit finis. Amen."

where are the beautiful angels,
the grapes, the wine, the harps
and all of the grace and absolution?
where is your redemptive storm
and the bluest fires of exoneration?
your graceful shower of care,
warmth’s balsam, all the pests of pity?

my skin boils still, and my heart,
a weird and gloomy thing:
a fortress as useless keeping things in
as it is keeping things out;
its moat is shallow and a sewer;
the gates are crumbling and dusting;
the stonework rickety and unstable,
and the peasantry all around it
is stricken with drought and devilish famine.

things need work and things need care;
with the exception of honey and art,
left to their own devices,
everything goes from bad to worse;
and it is a rule which applies
to the existentialism of man also.

 Two epic poems of existentialist, God-fearing religious drivel, "The Mysterious Tribology Between Man & God", and "Our Mary of Fire & Silence", are in production. Here is a snippet:

i had a laughable concept of the immortal,
the perennial, the eternal and ever glorious,
and by consequence i fell victim
to the most savage of its very enemies;
my mind fed times' moths -
for the scariest pestilence of them all
        is the temporality
        by which I feared being
        in and of itself!

   I vanished
   without much trace
   into the color of noise.

   a mediocre static I became,
   a grey speck of dust
   appearing, disappearing
   like some orb in the corner of ones' eye,
   some faint, meaningless flicker
   between interesting and colorful worlds.

she told me to paint this